Friday, January 6, 2012

A Classic

I occasionally go through funny old e-mails to brighten my mood. This morning I found this little gem. Hope you have a happy Friday!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS....THIS IS TOO FUNNYPocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue
arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst
such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of
caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a
violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be
considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8
or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both
were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head,
which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward
their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and
regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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